It is funny how much one little inkling of anxiety, one little tug at the tummy... one little ounce of fear can shape and transform a being. Fear commands even the strongest to lay down and tremble. Fear can make even the most determined take a break from their high stride. It is interesting to me to sit back and count all my fears... You may say I am only afraid of death, or maybe being alone or even the dark. But when you really sit back and dive deeper into yourself you will find that every action you have made, every word that has come out of your mouth, was at some point touched by fear. When I reflect, I see it everywhere. The way my parents raised me, christian schooling and forced beliefs, the filled voids by past courage, the psychoanalysis of the way I react, and that even the smallest fear I had when I was 8 will forever affect me the decisions I make as an adult. I think present day, the fear of paying one bill too early because another may come, or giving up my work shift to go to a concert, the fear of speeding to get somewhere on time or the fear of maybe another human being not liking me... But the future is what I am most concerned about. The future is what we have most control over. Yes, our past and present decisions affect the future. Yes we must acknowledge this in order to create a stable future for ourselves... but could fear of the future be affecting our present day decisions that in turn hinder our future? This concern of mine, this is what causes me to make decisions like to call off to go to that concert, or to save up every penny I have to buy a ticket to Egypt, to buys books, sell those books so I can buy more books. To watch documentaries on my Saturday night off work, to go out on a Tuesday, to take a self defense class, to eat ice cream when all I want is ice cream. Fear cannot and will not be a factor in my future.
I want what is good and right in this world, which most have given up on before they are even introduced to the possibilities. Who says we have to always answer to someone? The world is a scary place, take a break from FOX news and its 24 hour feed of Lindsey Lohan and read the opinion column from small newspapers around the world. Gain some perspective. Get an idea, and do something. Life is not about being stuck in a monotonous trap where you do the same thing every week, you eat the same sandwich for lunch because you know it is good, you drink the same beer because you know it gets you drunk... Life is about taking and giving. Trying new and creating new. If you stick to the same comfortable routine, how can you possibly become innovative? Without that spark, how to you stay happy? Self-loathing is NOT happiness... it is a way to cope with "life."
I am blessed and cursed by being born and raised in America. Blessed in countless ways. I am more fortunate than most souls on this planet in the materialistic, human needs sort of way. But when it comes to developing a purpose, to becoming an adult and escaping that fear that children have engraved in them to keep them safe... well... This is where America lacks. Our system is flawed in ways that we become lost in our own belongings. We lose sight of what and who we are. Why we are..... How we are. There is no mark between child and adult. We have a drinking age that signifies respect... but then these children just get thrown into a vice in which they can justify not feeling a purpose, rather than having to go out and seek a purpose. And believe me, there is plenty to get done.
But don't listen to me, listen to Layla... she knows what is up.
